On Embracing Hard Times
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“Friction is necessary. Ease of life leads to complacency and the atrophy of the human will and spirit. Within our struggles lives our strength, within our trials lives our triumphs. Friction creates a platform for change, generates heat and or fervor and creates a motivational charge that gives us an opportunity to be better. A gem cannot be polished without friction and so neither a person without hardships. Friction within and friction without sharpens our senses and revives our internal resolutions. Friction is uncomfortable, hardships are distressing but both are necessary. We cannot light a match without friction nor can we hone steal. Uncomfortable as it may be, our adversity ultimately lights a fire and sharpens our very will to flourish. Today, let us not be discouraged, let us not be bitter in our suffering rather let us be encouraged as we look to our trials as a medium that will eventually make us better.”
― Jason Versey, A Walk with Prudence
The Ancient Struggle
Does a leaf, when it falls from the tree during winter, feel defeated by the cold?
The tree says to the leaf, ''That's the cycle of life. You may think you're going to die, but you live on in me. It's thanks to you that I'm alive, because I can breath. It's also thanks to you that I have felt loved, because I was able to give shade to the weary traveler. Your sap is in my sap, we are one thing.''
Does a man who spent years preparing to climb the highest mountain in the world feel defeated on reaching that mountain and discovering that nature has cloaked the summit in storm clouds?
The man says to the mountain: ‘You don’t want me this time, but the weather will change and, one day, I will make it to the top. Meanwhile, you’ll still be here waiting for me.’
Does a young man, rejected by his first love, declare that love does not exist? The young man says to himself: ‘I’ll find someone better able to understand what I feel. And then I will be happy for the rest of my days.’
In the cycle of nature, there is no such thing as victory or defeat; there is only movement.
Losing a battle or losing everything we thought we possessed will bring us moments of sadness, but when those moments pass, we will discover the hidden strength that exists in each of us, a strength that will surprise us and increase our self-respect.
Wait patiently for the right moment to act. Do not let the next opportunity slip.
Take pride in your scars. Scars are medals branded on the flesh, and your enemies will be frightened by them because they are proof of your long experience of battle. Often this will lead them to seek dialogue and avoid conflict. Scars speak more loudly than the sword that caused them.
Ancient culture was marked by an embrace of—and respect for—friction.
The writing of the great Stoic philosophers is littered with quotes on the importance of friction, struggle, and adversity:
"Constant misfortune brings this one blessing: to whom it always assails, it eventually fortifies." - Seneca
"The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way." - Marcus Aurelius
"Let us too overcome all things, with our reward consisting not in any wreath or garland, not in trumpet-calls for silence for the ceremonial proclamation of our name, but in moral worth, in strength of spirit, in a peace that is won forever once in any contest fortune has been utterly defeated." - Seneca
We find similar messages across ancient cultures and religions.
Consider this from Siddhartha Gautama (the founder of Buddhism):
"Persevere in thy quest and thou shalt find what thou seekest. Pursue thy aim unswervingly and thou shalt gain victory. Struggle earnestly and thou shalt triumph."
Or this from the Bible:
"If you falter in a time of trouble, how small is your strength!" - Proverbs 24:10
Study the Ancients and it quickly becomes clear that they knew a thing or two about embracing adversity.
Perhaps this is because adversity is unavoidable.
Alternatively, perhaps our ancestors had learned an important lesson: That friction creates meaning and substance. That a life devoid of friction is a life unworthy of living.
Many writers and philosophers have commented on the importance of friction, struggle, and adversity in creating "texture" in our lives.
I like this framing a lot.
This texture heightens our awareness of individual moments:
Smooth moments pass by with ease and are quickly forgotten.
Textured moments pass slowly, feel long, and are remembered.
The ancient struggle was based on embracing texture—on experiencing friction and growing through it.
But what of our modern struggle?
The Modern Struggle
Modern culture is marked by an obsession with avoiding friction.
Our society has come to view friction as something toxic—in need of complete eradication. We will not rest until this toxic element is completely removed from our lives.
There are countless examples:
Frictionless Commerce: The removal of all pain from daily commerce. The rise of e-commerce, one-click-checkout, and mobile pay all fall into this bucket.
Frictionless Communication: The removal of all pain from daily interactions. The rise of dating apps, messaging services, and social networking apps all fall into this bucket.
Frictionless Work: The removal of all pain from daily work. The rapid acceleration of remote work, the decline of commuting, and the rise of flexible and asynchronous work all fall into this bucket.
These movements gain momentum because humans like them—we like avoiding friction. We like things that make our lives feel easier.
Humans are programed to take the ''path of least resistance''.
A frictionless life is an "easy" life:
Frictionless Commerce: We never have to leave our house or interact in order to shop.
Frictionless Communication: We never have to suffer the awkwardness of cold approaching a potential partner at a bar.
Frictionless Work: We never have to commute or interact with co-workers in person.
And to be clear, "easy" can be good! The rise of remote and hybrid work, for example, is leveling the opportunity playing field, enabling broader participation in upward economic mobility and allowing more people to feel the fulfillment of productive employment.
But the "easy" option is a double-edged sword. A trade-off.
When we press the metaphorical "Easy Button" over and over again, something bad gradually starts to happen.
The modern struggle is based on avoiding friction.
But at what cost?
“Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life.” — Jerzy Gregorek
What I Learned from Adversity
Adversity got me a true friend, it got me into writing, it got me to be self-aware, it tested my resolve, it got me into spiritual enlightenment, it got my company started, and it opened up my eyes to stuff that I have not noticed around me before.
I saw it as a sign and it opened up my eyes.
But all that is just half the story. Where it really helped me, where all the magic happens after adversity, is the following:
A) It taught me how to overcome fear
Many people live through life filled with fear.
I fear criticism. The kind that says i’m no good.
I fear being ridiculed and embarrassed in public.
No matter how well I conducted myself, it always seems that I cannot escape it.
Fear is what the ego uses to protect itself. And pride is the poison.
I now know, what I didn’t know back then.
Adversity hit me like a brick wall. I had to face my worst fears.
It was a nightmare. I pinched myself hoping that I would wake up.
I didn’t.
It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I guess the patient needed it.
But I found meaning throughout the ordeal and I got over this yearning of being perfect.
I am now immune to any kinds of criticism, ridicule or embarrassment.
Fears are nothing more than our state of mind. It can be subjected to control and direction.
This explains why physicians are less susceptible to an attack of diseases than others. Their lack of fear is their immunity.
Your fear is worth billions to mass media, insurance companies, Big Pharma, lawyers, politicians and so many others.
So don’t let fear stand in your way.
While fear keeps us in check, it paralyzes us with unrealistic manifestations and unnecessary truths.
B) It taught me how to accept Defeat
I love winning. I hate losing. Winson was the name given to me, and probably that is the reason why I always want to win no matter what I do.
But if you want to accomplish great things in life, you got to learn how to lose.
Fail enough times and you gradually get closer to success.
Defeat is for the valiant.
Very early on in life, it killed me to lose. Whether it was in academics or sports.
I learn to adapt and improve my skills very quickly. In my mind, I thought I was a talented genius. I wasn’t.
Maybe I had some talent, like most of us do. But I wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.
Then I did internet marketing right after I graduated from Engineering School.
I failed in EVERY single strategy the coach taught me. I paid him thousands of my own money to learn.
It didn’t work. From article marketing to affiliate marketing and eventually Facebook marketing. I was a failure.
I had wrapped up so much into the winning mentality that it became a huge problem when things started going south.
I was not used to failure. I threw tantrums, banged doors and slammed tables. I felt that everyone was laughing behind my back.
A few months later I manage to make $37 from an affiliate sale on Clickbank. It was a huge relief, although I wasn’t quite able to replicate it.
Nonetheless, I was able to make my first sale on the web. I got a taste of making money online.
Then it was dry again. Not a single dollar in months. Doubt started creeping into my mind telling me to accept defeat. It played over and over again inside my head.
What was I going to tell my parents and my wife.
Finally, I started to care more about improving myself rather than quick victories. I tried doing things differently. Started to study my approach.
Took defeat as reason to launch another more intelligent attack.
Failure has no end, it is a choice.
People who have never been defeated are the ones who never really fought.
And that’s how I went from noob to Master.
Losing still is my least favorite thing in the world. But I now understand that it is the equalizing element to winning.
I may not be as smart, talented or fast as they are, but I will always be the last one standing.
In the words of Rocky Balboa – Life is going to beat you to the ground and keep you permanently if you let it. You have to take the hits and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!
C) I learned to Stop Complaining
Research indicates that most people complain once every minute during a conversation.
Complaining is tempting because it feels good, but just as smoking does – it is actually bad for you.
I used to complain about the hot weather and the massive traffic jams. I would swear and curse whenever something doesn’t go my way.
So used to it, that it became contagious. I begin noticing people around me doing the same.
Here is why we complain;
Our brain loves the easy way out, it doesn’t like to work harder than it has to. So when you complain, the neurons in your brain starts to grow closer together.
Think of it as a bridge constructed to allow you to cross a river. So the neurons build stronger connections making the passage easier to cross.
And that is why complaining repeatedly makes it habitual, which makes you more likely to complain on the next thing that irks you.
Over a period of time, you will begin to find it easier to be negative rather than being positive.
It ends up being your default behavior.
At first, it started as a complain, I would curse. Then my eyes narrowed, turned rigid, cold and hard. You could see the reddening of my face.
I would draw a deep breath, and a burning hard stare. The boiling anger would reel me in and all I could do was stare with a vengeful anger that consumed my soul.
But then I switched mindsets. Adversity had taught me a thing or two about Stoicism. When I was bedridden, had no one to turn to – philosophy became my teacher.
If I realized I was starting to lose it, I would start to think, “Any person capable of angering me ultimately becomes my master.”
So by using divine reason gifted by the Greek school of ancient philosophy, I was able to govern my behavior within a single thought and a breath.
For somebody at my age, I spend ample time pondering about life, death and philosophy more than my peers. Without adversity, my mind would have shut down to these wisdoms of the past.
There’s a book called, “Meditations” by Marcus Aurelius. The Roman emperor wrote a journal of his most private thoughts on how one should live well.
I became a better person by learning how to stop making a fuss about every little thing. By learning how to understand and accept that some things are just out of my control.
By accepting that the people I deal with each day will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly because they cannot tell the good from the evil.
Recognize that and you will learn to stop complaining.
D) I Discovered the beauty of solitude
The first time I really had time alone with my thoughts was for the 3 months of hospitalization treating my 3rd degree burns in over a quarter of my body.
Then I went a way on a meditation retreat in Taiwan on top of a mountain for a month. At the peak of the mountain stood a wooden lodge. I had a special room there all to myself to recuperate.
The first night I was there, I couldn’t sleep. The sound of silence was deafening. Even with my headphones over my ears, I could still hear the penetrating sounds of nature.
The explanation was that my brain was creating noises to fill the silence because it isn’t used to it.
It took me a couple of days to adapt.
I experienced solitude and discovered a whole new world inside my mind.
Never noticed it before. I was always so entertained by company that I forgotten that my soul was always free to speak to me.
If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself. And if you don’t know yourself, you will begin to fear being alone.
But you are never alone. A vast world lies within our soul waiting to be found.
It is often so overwhelming that we often choose not to acknowledge its existence.
The void frightens us because we’re so used to the limitations set by ourselves and the people around us (your social circle).
It is only when you confront solitude that you will find its virtue.
Solitude reveals all the mysteries of life. As your inner life becomes more and more intense, you will also experience the beauty of nature like never before.
In a Nutshell
You can choose to see adversity in a more positive light.
Even if you’re hurting,
Even if you’re struggling with life,
Even if you’re emotionally distressed at the moment,
You can always decide to immediately change your story. Change the story you’re constantly telling yourself.
For me, “What impedes me, also empowers me…”
While adversity isn’t something you want to look forward to, all of us will be tested in our own unique way. You must then learn how to deal with it and make the most out of your predicament.
I no longer blame the perpetrators for inflicting harm onto me. I no longer feel the vengeful need to lash out at the government or the police for failing to bring them to justice.
Instead, i’ve chosen to focus more on life and its inner riches and my spiritual freedom.
The Scars I have are the medals branded onto my flesh proving once and for all that I have passed the test of life.
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